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If you´re pushing something away you´re inviting it to stay" Michael Singer

It’s been a long week since Bonny died and the dense fog of grief is gradually beginning to lift. To my family, friends far and wide and my clients, thank you so much for all your kind messages, empathy, and love. The flood of support I’ve received is helping to wash away the dreadful pain of loss. I was never one to share heartbreak, for fear of judgment, rejection, being a burden. But it seems the opposite is true. I´m in awe of the power of communication, interaction, shared experiences -lights in the dark.

I’ve slept deeply, managed to wash the covers on Bonny’s sofa, eaten lots of chocolate and allowed myself to mourn. Rather than run from the waves of emotion, I lean back in my chair, observe my thoughts as they crash on to the shore and I can breathe out, let each one go. They ebb and flow and it´s uncomfortable, but your compassion has stopped me from drowning, as I feared, and life has carried me gently forwards to a new day.

In this strange world of masks, text messages and emails, I had almost forgotten the comfort and the revitalising energy exchange in a simple conversation. This past week has brought many such uplifting opportunities. I´m looking forward to meeting people and chatting when the craft fairs open again. I received a phone enquiry from a warm, calm voice requesting a painting like this one on the right for his sister´s birthday. I´ll make adjustments to colour and image to bring Old Harry Rocks into focus at the end of the dunes. I´ll paint two adults, children and a dog on Studland beach, a personal birthday message from her brother.

I love commissions for the opportunity to get to know my clients, to personalise my work and make a painting meaningful to them, That same day, I delivered a painting to a lady who lives near Salisbury. I stood in her garden, admiring the stunning view through the gate which she had commissioned, and she was delighted to show me where she was going to hang her new painting.

It seems that I can do for others what I cannot do for myself at this time. All these simple exchanges, human touches, mean the world to me.

Though the heartache is severe and I miss her so much, there is lightness when I think of my beloved Bonny today.

And I’m ready to paint again.

Marja Brown


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